The paper monster came to visit.  We all have that one drawer or box that we just toss everything into until we have time to sort it out.  Once a month or so, in the Realm of Papier, there is an epic battle between monster and I.  Usually I win, but not without losing a virtue or two.

I allow myself that one box I can toss stuff into. Once a month I watch a movie classic while I sort and file.

It was one of those days I had to find a certain document and I was digging through this tub of papers.   Wiping a tear, I found the Chinese birth certificate for my sweet Chelsey and a picture of a dear friend who lives with the angels ever worshiping before the Throne of Grace. There amongst the drawings and documents I found an old slip of crumpled paper where I had written some thoughts about 5 years ago.

Nostalgically, I rose reading the note as I walked toward nook where my devotional books; Faith Dare and my Bible were awaiting me. The note was written while we were serving as missionaries in Mexico.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.     Hebrews 11:1

{{Sleep just won’t come. Faces and names drift in and out of my mind like the ocean waves beating the sand. It’s after 2 am and all I can think about is the little boy with the broken elbow and the young man who ripped the inside of his arm to shreds. I can see the little four sisters who come everyday for their little meal, and the little two year old who has been so sick with amoebas. Then my mind wanders to the woman who came to the gate today with fresh bruises, signs that her husband is back with her this week. I pray for each in turn earnestly knowing that this is important. It is partly why we are here, to be there even when we cannot be there, through the miracle of prayer. Sharing one another’s burdens.

My dear friend Alma and her wee Fatima.

The fan desperately attempts to rid me of the night sweats that have become too familiar to me during these last few months. Rolling over involves a series of repositioning all the pillows I have tucked around me and as I begin the journey I pray for my husband. However, in praying for him I pray more for me. Help me not to nag. Be more patient, love more. Repentance. The knowledge that I have fallen down so many times and that I have so far to go. Don’t leave me Lord, I need you so. I can’t be a good wife or mother without Your grace.

Then the prayers flow for the children. Each with their special gifting, each one an incredible blessing, all dearly loved, made so uniquely in His image. Tears are shed. I need to hold my girls, they are so far away. I want to hold them, to stroke their hair and pray for them. I want them to know I love them and I am so proud of each one of them.

Noises rise from downstairs. Noah has roused and wants to climb into bed with us. It is now 3 am and he calls for daddy from his bed, fearful of the darkness. Dad turns on the light and beckons him to our room from the top of the stairs. I hear his footsteps and then the usual leaping into our bed and under the sheets all at once. Sleepily he kisses me and says, “I love you forever mommy.” Safe between his entire world, he quickly falls asleep.

Believing sleep should come soon, I close my eyes. Just as I drift off to sleep I hear his soft laughter. I turn to find him truly asleep, yet giggling softly. I brush away a strand of hair and look at his face. It must be a nice thought. Reminiscing over the days events I remember him telling his daddy, “Daddy, I like butterflies.” Dad replies, “Really, Noah?” “Yeah, because they are beautiful, not just flies.” I begin to giggle out-loud, so much so, I have to climb out of bed. No sleep will come this way.

I reach for the Word. The comfort of the Message that He left for us all. Psalm 91. The Shadow of His Wings. The Almighty Embrace. Breathe deep and let it all go. The frustrations and distractions of this life we have to live seem to fade and peace fills the dark spaces. Absolute loveliness.

He saved me, you know, and not just my sinful soul. He does it daily in many little ways. I was overwhelmed before I even got out of bed today. Our special needs daughter awoke in one of her more loudly distressed moods this morning. Tripping over mountains of laundry on the way to put the kettle on I stepped on a pile of legos. That is never a nice way to start the day. No water to wash, no power or internet, this day was not going well.

Then a friend came and brought me an elegant bouquet of flowers. We went to lunch, at a fine restaurant. On the way home we stopped for coffee. We talked and shared our hearts. She was kind, gentle and caring. There was no hurry, no reason to rush. He knew what was needed, and it was delightful. I knew she had been praying for me and the the Lord was using her to show me His love. He knows our deepest desires, joy and fears. He knows our breaking points and our failures. He loves us just the same and never more than when He demonstrated it the day He died on the cross.}}

Peace never fails to enter those dark places in our hearts

when we lay all the cares of this world at His nail-scarred feet.

He completes me, in faith I need to stop and realize that in all things the Lord does truly complete me.  I know full well I cannot accomplish any good thing on my own.  It is He Who prompts us to pray and He Who gives us the strength to do it.  Without Him there can be no love, peace, hope or grace.  All good things come from His hands and we receive them in faith.

Dear little Ruthie, a recovering addict baby. Noah was thrilled to have a little sister while she lived with us.